There's Always Something
by trunks111
Summary: There's always something that holds you back from what you really want to do. It may be something small, it may be something huge. The point is, everyone has something that's holding them back from their greatest desire. What is it? Can it be bested? Shonen-ai. Nagato.
1. Slightly Different Day

**A/N: Nagato, Konan, and Yahiko for the purposes of this story are all around the age of Kakashi, Asuma, and Iruka. Meaning, when the ages are given, instead of Nagato being roughly in his late 30s, he would be 24-26 like Kakashi. I hope it makes sense... And that you enjoy this story.**

* * *

Nagato sat in his room, his earbuds in his ears, one foot tapping to the beat. He was deep in thought, as so often happened when he had nothing to occupy him. He was thinking about how far he, Konan, and Yahiko had come. About where they would go from where they were now.  
When they were young, around twelve, their parents had died. It was a massive tradgedy, one man had caused it all, he had gone cross country on a murdering spree. Hundreds had died. He used a machine gun to do it. Some died quicker than others. The three had been best friends since they were younger than that, and together, they ran and hid from the authorities. Eventually getting part time jobs and staying at homeless shelters until they made enough and foudn a place that would rent to the three of them. For a while, they stayed in hotels, but eventually, they became old enough to rent an apartment. After a few years of that, they moved up to renting a house, one they would own after a few years of payments.  
Now, the three of them were getting ready to attend university. Konan was going into art, with political science a second, Yahiko was going into political science flat out, and he wasn't sure what he was going to major in just yet. Different things sounded interesting, but he hadn't yet made a decision.

As annoying as it was, they were being made to live on campus for their first year of schooling. They'd already talked it over with the owner and he was agreeing to let them have that year off of payments, since no one would be at the house, they wouldn't be using any utilites or anything. They did still have their part time jobs, but the majority of that money would be going towards university expenses.  
The three of them would likely be split up while living in the dorm. They didn't really know others that would be attending, so they were all skeptical about it.

Nagato disliked the idea of attending university. He knew it was necessary, so they could buy the house and be the owners. And then work towards owning the other things they lusted after. As much as he knew that was sensible, he still wondered why.  
Like, what was the point of all of it?  
Go to school, get a job, go to school some more, get another job, then die.  
That's what everyone did, more or less. So what was the point of it all if the end result was the same? Why waste the best years in school? Why did they need money? For what purpose? Why couldn't everyone simply share everything they had with everyone else?

He sighed and stood from the wheeled chair he had been sitting in. He stretched, popping his back a few times, then cracking his knuckles and wandering down the stairs to find himself something to drink and see if the others had anything to do. He found a can of Yoo-Hoo! and drank some of it as he wandered the house, but the others, it seemed, were busy packing for the coming move into their dorm.  
Heaving another sigh, Nagato returned to his room with the can, resigning himself to begin packing as well. Not that it would take him long. One box, filled with clothes, a set of sheets and a couple blankets, a few books he had yet to read, and everything else he wasn't ready to put in yet as he still had a few days. He finished the can by the time he was finished. He laid on his bed, that was covered with his spare sheet set, gazing up at the ceiling through his hair that hung in his eyes.  
He felt it, honestly, he did. That emptiness, the bleakness. It happened every time he thought about the future.  
It was something the others didn't know about. He had wanted to die since his parents had. Before that, even. That day though..., that day was probably the day he had consciously acknowledged it for the first time.  
He didn't see the point in living at all. If all that would eventually happen, was death. That was all that awaited all of them. No matter how hard they worked, how many things they had, the happiness those things spurned always faded. It would always just leave them empty. So why try at all? Why continue on, day after day?

Those were the questions he asked himself, every day when he woke. He didn't _want_ this anymore. He was tired. Tired of being tired. For some reason though, he never acted on his greatest desire. He continued to plod on, toward the end he knew he would be rewarded with after many more miserable years.  
He wanted to spare himself and the others the years of misery, to just end it now, get it over with so they could move on with their lives and he could be done with his.  
What was holding him back?

He rolled onto his side, facing the wall as the tears began welling in his eyes, soon they were cascading down his face. He shook slightly, with emotions held back as the tears continued to fall. He closed his eyes, squeezing them shut tightly, but still the tears continued to fall.  
He didn't understand it, any of it. He couldn't stop wanting death, but something was keeping him from it. No matter what he did, he always got better.

Drinking too much caffeine, eating unhealthy foods, sleeping far beyond what was necessary.  
None of it was working.  
He still woke in the morning or night, he was still amongst the living.

Nagato didn't know how much longer he would be able to continue like this. Not that he wanted to, but whatever was holding him back..., he wasn't sure if it could hold him back for much longer...


	2. Better Day

It was the day there were moving into the dormitory. Nagato had his earbuds in his ears, blaring Hollywood Undead, slouching as he walked carrying his things to the room he had been given. He and Yahiko didn't share a room, however, their rooms weren't far from each other. Konan's room, on the other hand, was quite far away, being on the girls side of the dorm area.  
Lucky for Nagato, his roommate had yet to arrive. He had pick of the beds and dresser/closet space. He did it all mechanically, making his bed, putting his clothes away, and propping his bag beside his nightstand. It didn't take long to do everything, only a few minutes. He laid upon his bed then, just gazing up at the ceiling. As much as he did despise people, he couldn't help feeling alone. Usually, he had his friends, even if they weren't in the room, they were somewhere near. While Yahiko wasn't that far away, it certaintly felt much farther. He rolled on to his stomach, turning his music down slightly, and closing his eyes. He felt as though he was floating upon the lyrics, the current alternatingly got stronger and faded, but soon, he was asleep and his dreams were the usual ones. Strange nightmares, various things, people he knew or used to know, inconsequential things, occasionally unseeable monsters.

He awoke hours later, the soft faded light indicating it was probably past seven or eight at night.  
Checking his phone for confirmation, Nagato rubbed his eyes as he sat up. He decided to take a quick shower before going to the store. He and the others had opted for the more expensive rooms, with their own bathrooms as none of them particularly wished to share a shower with a few dozen people or more.  
He took a hot shower, letting the water run along his pale body, his eyes fell closed as he ducked his head under the water. Soon, he stepped out and dried off, clad only in boxers he went to find clothes to put on. He decided on a pair of pale gray skinny jeans and a slightly tight Breaking Benjamin shirt. He put his earbuds back in and walked to the store.

He browsed the wares, looking around, this was a store he had never been to. Looking around, he eventually found the energy drink section, browsing it. He found the monster, Rip it, red bull, nos, and rockstar.  
He stared the drinks down, trying to figure out what he wanted.  
In the end, he decided on four Monster Nitrous Super Dry, two Monster Nitrous Anti Gravity, five Monster Unleaded, two Monster Ultra Citron and Monster Ultra Sunrise, four Cherry Nos, three Rip it Stinger, and lastly two regular red bull.

He carried two bags full of drinks back to his room. With a shrug after putting them in his nightstand drawer, he went to one of the twenty four hour stores in their car, returning only ten minutes later with a mini-fridge.  
After plugging up he filled it with his drinks, aligning them in rows according to what they were.  
He chose a red bull for his current drink. Opening the can, he took a few sips, his stomach grumbling at him. He knew he would need to eat something or else the drink would make him sick. Carrying his drink, he made his way to the cafeteria. He continued drinking as he walked, wondering what he wanted. Since the day it was, they had a open buffet type of thing going. He made his plate of hot chicken legs, a little of mashed potatoes, and he also poured himself a plastic cup of chocolate milk - that was in his top ten favorite drinks.

He carried his findings to an empty table and sat down. He started with the potatoes, which were slightly bland but still better than some he had before. He ate the chicken quickly, as it was cooling fast and was actually very good. He drank his red bull and milk alternatingly. He threw away his trash and wandered back to his room with his red bull in hand. He finished the can, tossing it into one of the recycling tubs that was at every four way cross hall. His room was just as empty as he had left it when he returned.  
He dug through the nightstand to find himself a book to read for a while. He settled on rereading Garth Nix's triloguy that had recently had a prequel added. He began with said prequel, Clariel. Laying down with his music still playing softly, Nagato managed to lose himself within the text. It was many hours later before he was able to tear himself from the text, having to go to the bathroom. After he finished that business, he returned to the bed where his book and phone lay, the phone having a flashing red light, indicating he had at least one unread text message. He laid back down and picked up his phone. He had a few texts from Yahiko, asking him how he was, how his day had gone, and if he wanted to hang out all. The last having been sent two hours before.

He replied with an apology and saying it had been fine, and he would like to if the offer was still open. He had been reading and so had failed to notice his phone buzzing at him.  
Yahiko replied not long after as Nagato sat sipping a cherry nos. He said he understood and that Nagato should go see him and he sent his room number.  
After taking a longer swig of his drink, Nagato stood and pocketed his phone, turning his music up slightly. And with that, he went to find his friend's room. Konan and Yahiko were sitting on Yahiko's bed, playing a game on his ps3.

They both greeted him warmly. He offered them a small smile and sat on the floor. They took turns on the Soul Calibur game for a few hours. As usual, Yahiko had the most wins out of them all. He was actually insanely good at the game, with more than a few custom characters.  
Hanging out in his room, they turned hulu on and sat about doing various things. Nagato started a game on his phone, Konan played with some blank papers, and Yahiko had his nose buried in a thick book he had no doubt gotten from the library earlier that day. It was even later when they all parted ways, easily passed 1 in the morning.  
All in all, that day had been one of the better days Nagato had had in a while. However, upon returning to his room, he felt that familiar weight of sadness. He returned to his book and found himself another red bull. He shook slightly as he read and drank at first, but eventually, it went away as he fell deeper into the story.


	3. Normal Day

Days passed, turning into a full week, Yahiko and Konan's roommates arrived. Yahiko's was a boy named "Shisui" and Konan's a girl named "Anko". Nagato was somewhat anxiously awaiting his own roommate-to-be's arrival. However, he wasn't too worried about it, a cherry Nos rid him of most cares, as did laying in the semi-darkness of his room, reading Clariel some more.  
Laying on his stomach, clad only in his boxers, Nagato was completely lost in the book, oblivious to all else.

It was when he paused, lifting up to take a drink, that he saw the other person in the room.  
Immediately, he blushed a bright shade of red and hastily pulled a sheet over himself.

The other guy grinned at him, before calling to someone who was outside of the room. "Hey Itachi, he's finally more decent."

"More decent? Is he properly clothed or not?"

"He's got a sheet on...," the first guy replied with a wicked grin at Nagato.

Nagato looked away, his hair hiding his face.

"I'll go out of the room so you can 'properly dress' yourself," the guy said, rolling his eyes.

Nagato swallowed the lump in his throat and waited until he heard the door click before hurriedly getting up and throwing a plain black tank top on and pulling a pair of dark blue jeans on.  
"You decent?" the first guy asked, poking the door open.

"Yeah...," Nagato replied, his back to the door, about to resume his position on his bed.

"Finally," the guy exclaimed, walking back in. "Come on, Itachi, you gotta see your new roomie. He's fuckin' hot. Like mine, but..., in a more subtle way. Like you like 'em."

Blushing again, Nagato laid back down, determined to ignore them. It wasn't long before he lost himself in the book once more, focused solely on it, he finshed it over the next few hours.  
When he finally closed the book and rolled on to his back, he was surprised to see a pale skinned, black haired boy in the other bed.

"Oh, hello, my name is Itachi Uchiha, I'm sorry about my friend, his name is Shisui, he seems to be rooming with your friend, Yahiko."

"It's... over..., my name is Nagato Uzumaki."

Itachi offered him a smile before returning to what he had been doing. Nagato finished his Nos and set the empty can atop the fridge before grabbing an Ultra Sunrise. He sat with the cold can in his hands for a few moments before opening it and taking a drink. Setting the can on the nightstand, Nagato laid back with his arms folded behind his head, taking time now to reflect on the book and his own life.

Clariel..., her heart had been in the right, her means..., questionable, but she had sought to only do good. She had never intended for what happened to happen as it did. Those weren't her intentions. Not at all. A few choices made..., events spiraled far beyond control.  
He wondered, not for the first time, if things had been different, would he be the same? If their parents had lived, even one set of theirs, would they be different?  
It had taken one man's actions to shape their lives into what they had become. Of course, they had also contributed, choosing their paths. However..., what about him? Was he predisposed to depression? If his parents or theirs had lived, would he still have developed his depression? Would he be who he is today?

For Clariel..., if she had not listened to Mogget, if she had stayed and been trained to control her Berserk ability and properly learned about Free Magic and been able to become a Scout..., so much would not have happened to her. She could have had the life she had dreamed of, if only a few things had beeen different for her.

If a few things had been different for him..., would he be as well?  
Honestly, he didn't think so. The depression came from his lack of desire for life. His being born in this world, sparked it. He wanted death. It would be a simple thing, Yahiko and Konan would have each other, they didn't need him. He would simply need to do it. It made perfect sense.  
Write them a note, take ten to fifteen sleeping pills, and then just not wake up.

It was quite simple, the only reason he had not before..., was because he hadn't wanted to use pills. It seemed foolish. Now though, he realized a heavily medicated death might be the easiest way to do it. Since nothing else seemed to want to work nor had a guaruntee of his not surviving.  
When one slept, their heartbeat and breathing slowed. Their brain activity also changed. He hoped this way..., it would work this time. He was just so tired. All the time.  
Like it never ended. Happiness for an instant, but then, it was gone.

However..., as good as it seemed, there was still something holding him back. For some reason, he wasn't ready to do it that day. He laid in his bed, gazing at the ceiling, wondering why he wouldn't do it today. It would really be a simple thing. Buy the pills, take them as he walked home, one at a time, chug a monster as he did so, it would elevate his heartrate as it was slowed by the sleeping pills. Perhaps it would even spark cardiac arrest.  
He smirked at the thought.  
Something was holding him back. Like always. No matter how ready he was, there was just this little niggling thing, that said not today, not now. He knew though, that his depression would never get better, he had given up hope of that. He was waiting however, for the day that he would be free to do as he wished. He didn't want his death to affect Konan and Yahiko. He hoped his death to go unnoticed.  
Beyond tired, beyond wanting anything else, Nagato hoped only for an end. Nothing could change his mind...


	4. Different Day

Something snapped within him. Something that made his decision easier to make. He bought a bottle of sleeping pills. Two for a full dose, so he guessed thirty-some would do him in just fine. A small smile found it's way to his face, a smile that didn't touch his eyes. He went back to his dorm, drinking a regular soda, popping four pills at a time over the next two hours. He grew sleepier, his head heavy, his eyelids too. His limbs didn't want to obey him as he attempted to cover himself with a sheet. At last though, he got it to cover himself and his eyes closed. He was asleep in seconds.

To his dismay, he woke several times, everything felt heavy, his limbs seemed disconnected from his body. But still, he managed to stumble his way to the bathroom and use it. He stumbled back to bed, hardly aware of anything other than his disconnected limbs and his fuzzy head. He slept again, only to wake with the same sensations, this time accompanied by dizziness. All he did was sit up, and it was like everything had been flipped upside down numerous times. Again, he had to go to the bathroom, he almost fell several times walking the short distance, but he couldn't feel his legs, even though he knew they were there, he couldn't feel them.

He stumbled back to his bed and fell asleep again, waking yet again with the same dizziness. He flipped himself over so he was facing the mini-fridge. After many attempts, he finally managed to open the door and pick up a nos. They didn't wake him or anything, they were simply for taste, so after sitting up and suffering another head rush, Nagato managed to open the can and he took a long drink. He flopped back down on to his pillow after setting the can on the nightstand.  
His eyes shut tightly, he felt tears well up behind his closed lids. It should have worked. He should have died. It was what he wanted. But no, he was still alive, sick because of the pills, but alive.  
He had failed.  
And so, he fell back asleep, it was a deep sleep, without dreams, but waking brought more pain and further dizziness.

Waking once more, he forced himself to dress and carrying his nos, he went to the cafeteria to find himself something to eat. He fought his dizziness the whole way, but once he sat down and began to eat, he felt slightly less disconnected, though his head still felt cotton-like. He went back to his room once he finished. He laid back in the bed again, his eyes falling closed.  
It hadn't worked. He was still, still alive. Walking the earth. He didn't want to, he was tired of it all. He just wanted it to be over. He was no one. Why then, should he continue to live?  
To attempt to allieviate his thoughts from their dark path, he tried to read Sabriel, the next book in the series.

Of course, he couldn't focus and soon gave up on reading, electing instead, to go back to sleep. When he woke again, he felt no different. A sadness had settled over him, he wanted nothing more than death, but he had been denied again. He found a nitrous Super dry in the fridge. He drank half of it before he left the room, Itachi was sleeping on his bed.  
Unbeknownst to him, Itachi had been watching the red head, he was deeply concerned but as they had just met, he wasn't sure it was his place to interfere.

Nagato wandered the campus grounds, tears welled in his eyes. All he wanted, was death. A simple thing, yet he kept being denied it. He didn't understand why. It was all he had wanted for so many years, but nothing he did ever worked. He couldn't accept that he was to live, it was always the same thing, fleeting happiness before realizing all he still wanted, was death. Sure, he could forget for a while, but it always came back. He wanted to die.  
Even this latest time, he still wanted it.  
He thought about bringing it to his friend's attention, but what would that do? It would just bring them pain, nothing could change his mind. He wanted to die, it was really, that simple.  
He kept failing though..., something kept him alive. Alive and in pain. Beyond tired, Nagato wasn't sure how much longer he could do anything. He wanted to die, but he couldn't. No matter what he tried.


	5. Dark Day

Weeks passed, for a time, once more, Nagato was able to forget. To go on. Some days, of course, that familiar sadness surfaced. He would sit on his bed and simply stare down at his hands, as if seeing them for the first time. Unable, simply unable to believe who and what he was. It just didn't seem real.  
The days, they seemed like dreams. It all seemed like some sort of nightmare, and soon, perhaps he would wake.  
As classes made them busier, the trio of friends spent less and less time together.  
Nagato growing further into a shell of his former self...

Laying in his bed, dressed in baggy black jeans and a form-fitting long sleeved black shirt, Nagato was listening to music when a song he had not heard in quite a few years began to play. He knew it from the first note. He used to lisdten to it quite often.  
"This is your life" by Switchfoot.  
Softly, he sang along, tears welling in his eyes, soon his breath coming in short gasps as he tried not to succumb, not to cry. He couldn't help it though, he rolled over, his back to Itachi, and he cried. His frail body shuddered, his hair and face soaked in tears, as was becoming the sheet. But he couldn't stop himself. All that sadness, all the rage, all the pent up emotions he kept to himself they simply came flooding out.  
His purple eyes shut tightly, he didn't see Itachi's shadow on the wall as the boy stood and came to sit on the foot of his bed.

"Nagato..., you know, if you need to, I am here for you. For whatever you need."

The red head flinched as the bed shifted to beneath Itachi's weight, but he said nothing, tears still silently and slowly falling.  
Itachi gazed at the slender red head and waited a few moments before he got up and quietly left the room.

Laying there, Nagato eventually managed to stand up, going to the bathroom to take a quick shower, scrubbing at his face and washing his hair. Once finished he dressed in identical clothes to earlier.  
He had people he could turn to. He knew that, but he did not want to burden them. Also..., he firmly believed he was beyond any help. He did not want any. All he wanted, was to die. Death, it seemed, did not want him however.  
Each failed attempt, only drove his desire deeper. If he was meant to live, then why was he being made to feel as though he would be better off dead? Death seemed to offer so much more than life. An end, to everything. That was all he wanted. All he ever wanted.

The fact that he could appear so..., unaffected for weeks, amazed him. Then, suddenly, it would all hit him again. He would be back where he had been. Desolate. Tired.  
He was tired of being in pain all the time. Physical, mental, it didn't matter. Pain, was pain. He was just so tired of it, wanted it to end. Whatever the cost, he wanted it immensely. He would make future plans, for years in advance, and on the inside he seethed.  
'Why? Why plan this if you plan on being dead?' he would ask himself. 'Why think about the future at all? Death, in the soonest variety, is your goal. So why do you pretend otherwise? For whom? You know it just makes it more painful in the end. When everything stops, and you are left to think.'

No matter how true he knew these things to be, he couldn't help but think about the supposed future. Because..., that niggling thought, "what if he didn't die?"

It seemed, more and more, like he was not going to, no matter his desires. He kept trying, and was met with failure. As painful as life was, perhaps he had to simply swallow his pain and continue. Like the others.  
Like the salmon, that swam upriver. Fighting all odds.

He stood outside the convience store he liked to frequent, his head down, hair shadowing his eyes and face, he looked rather fragile in the lamplight of the darkend street. His feet had carried him here as he thought. Probably becxause this was a place he felt at peace. His favored drinks resided here, also the few sweets he liked. The ones that somehow made everything just seem better, for a little while at least.  
Unsure of how to proceed, as usual, Nagato was so far beyond conflicted, he knew not what he wanted. As usual, it presented pain.  
He felt as though he was being torn in two. Perhaps more. But it hurt. Head in his hands, he fell to his knees. His eyes shut tightly. He didn't know. He never did. That momental clarity had already abandoned him. As it always did.  
He had not felt true clarity in many, many years. He used to be so sure, of everything.

He was unable to properly function without it. Slowly, his clarity had dissipated. And now, he was shattered. So many pieces, it was unlikely he would ever be whole again. Feel that clarity again. All he wanted..., all he really wanted, was to be whole again...


	6. Thoughtful Day

Laying in his bed, listening to 'Try' by Simple Plan, Nagato could feel the tears welling in his eyes. Why did so many of the songs he liked have to be so sad? He had been thinking for the last few hours, just laying there, thinking, his thoughts just mashing together, nothing was really making sense. It ranged, from sadness, to anger, to regret, to tired.  
Definitely not the first time, he remembered, he was forgetting. It hadn't even been a full twenty-four hours and he was already forgetting what had transpired the night before. The new friend he had found in Itachi. They had sat together, Nagato upon the floor near Itachi's bed, Itachi laying or sitting on his bed.  
They talked. About their lives. Boyfriends, girlfriends, dreams, and everything in between.

Nagato learned that Itachi hadn't always been as he is now, he used to be much more closed off, he didn't have too many friends, he didn't talk to people, when he got angry, he started fights. His relationships never lasted, a few months at most, until they became sick of him.  
In turn, Nagato told him he wasn't always this sad. He used to be strong, he used to care about people and things. Any more, all he could really think about was dying, and how much he wanted to.  
Itachi attempted to help. Asked when he was happy, if there was anyone that made him happy. He also made him list the things he liked about himself, and didn't like. He told him he needed to hold on to those people and if he needed him, to call or text him any time.

And so, not even twenty-four hours later, he was already forgetting the things they had talked about. He was already forgetting his facial expressions when he had been speaking of a time when he had been happy. Forgetting some of the strange things he had done, for some unknown reason.  
There was so much of his life he had already forgotten, there were some things he wanted to forget, but others he wanted to hold on to. Not much, but there were a few things.  
He couldn't control what he kept and what he lost, however. That'd be too good. No, instead, he forgets anything and everything, someday, he fears he's going to have forgotten his own birthday, perhaps even his name.  
At times, he thinks forgetting everything, wouldn't be that bad. If he couldn't remember, why would it matter? Other times..., he feared his memory loss. He didn't want to forget himself and those precious few he cared about.

He remembered, gazing into Itachi's eyes before he got up and went to his own bed for some much needed rest. Those onyx black eyes..., his own purple. he wasn't sure, but he knew they had shared something when their eyes had locked like that. It was something that couldn't be voiced, nor really described in words, but whatever it was, Nagato knew he never wanted to forget it.  
He knew it hadn't been that long since he'd known Itachi, but ..., there was something about him. Something inexplicable. Talkingto him, being around him, he could forget about his own troubles. Everything went quiet.  
Kind of like they used to when he was around Yahiko...

He and Yahiko had actually tried dating once. It lasted well over a year. Nagato had thought they were something like happy, some of the time. Then again, he couldn't even remember how their relationship started or the beginning. Just one day, it had turned into over a year and they were still a thing.  
As much as he disliked it, he had topped Yahiko, usually at the ginger's insistence. Rarely of his own volition, he started to hate it, and that's probably why he started to hate Yahiko too.  
Now of course, they're still kind of tight like they used to be, at least on the surface. But things really changed between them when the day came for it to be over. Yahiko simply announced he liked girls, and dropped Nagato. Nagato wasn't terribly hurt, he knew he was rather feminine in appearance, so that was partly probably why Yahiko had agreed to being with him. He wasn't sure how he was going to top a girl, when he was always the bottom, but he supposed that was none of his business.

He longed for silence, nothing but the present to give him pause.  
Rolling onto his side, Nagato sighed, bringing his legs up, curling into a ball. He really, just wanted everything to stop. He needed the quiet. Living was hard enough, and after the promise he made, he couldn't die. He was so torn.  
He knew the things he wanted, but he couldn't have any of them. It was better this way, he told himself, of course, not believing it. The things that will be done..., he shook his head.


	7. End Day

He was done. There was nothing more he wanted to do. It was all really, fuckin' simple. Everything he would do. It made sense. He had already gone to the store, buying a backpack full of Nitrous Super Dry Monster, chances were, he wouldn't get to drink them all, but he didn't really care. He had everything he needed with him. It was all, so fuckin' simple.  
The anger within him made him see everything with so, much clarity. He wondered how he hadn't seen it before. It was all laid out before him. His headphones in his ears, he walked, listening to Hollywood Undead.

He opened the one can he had stashed in his pullover hoody pocket, taking a long drink. It tasted just as it always did. He reached into one of his many cargo pockets, pulling out a pill bottle, he had at least six on him, different ones, for different things, he popped a few, not looking at what they were. He took another drink, replacing the bottle.  
He kept walking. No destination in mind, he just wanted to walk.

He finished his first can and tossed it in the next trash can he saw, taking another can out and popping it open before he again, popped a few more of the mystery pills. He didn't feel anything yet, it was far too soon for that. The dangerous grin on his face, it scared people, but he paid them no mind. The only thing fueling him, was his anger. It wouldn't be denied, not this time. This time, it was going to end. All of it. He was done.  
He could finally fucking see.

The anger burned fiercly, to his annoyance, he had to stop in a restaraunt to take a bathroom break. Since he was there, he decided to get food, wouldn't do to throw up after all his hard work, and he hadn't even really begun yet.  
It was his luck, it was one of his favorite places to eat, a foreign place, but they served what were called "coneys", a type of chili-hot dog, but small. He ordered four of them, and doused them with hotsauce when they arrived. He ate, mechanically, only enjoying the taste a little, the anger, muting almost everything. As he ate and drank his monster, he popped a few more pills of various kinds.  
After paying, he left, to continue his further walk. The anger was still there, pulsing. He wanted to be even more reckless. More angry. He wanted the anger to burn again. More. It made him feel alive.  
He opened his third or fourth can, he lost count, popping more pills still. It was starting to get light-headed. But through force of will, he pushed it away, letting the anger control him. Letting it propel him. He didn't care. This, this would be the end.

Eventually, he went to the park, found a table and sat down to write, something he knew he would have to do.

'You. Don't. Know. Me.

You never did. You never will.  
Only one person ever did. ONE. For all the claims of knowing, only one truly did. And even then, they didn't either.

This. This was a long, time coming. I have planned, I have failed.

Not. This. Time.  
I was never meant to be saved. I was never meant to be. Nothing you said ever made it any better, I've known the truth for years. This is something that should have already happened.  
This time. I will not be denied. This is my right.'

He drank and popped a handful this time. Finishing the can as he swallowed the last of the handful. He stood, leaving his bag atop the paper, throwing away his can and the empty bottle. He carefully looked at all the bottles he had still, combining the ones that had room, trying to free his pockets, they were getting heavy...  
He was left with his backpack still mostly full and his pockets considerably lighter.

He opened another can, drinking half of it before setting it on the table and sitting back down to write some more.

'I have made my choice.  
If this is ever found, well, good bye. 

I wanted this. Know that. I dreamed of it.

This isn't just an end.  
It's a beginning.

I was never supposed to be.  
I've always been pissed off. I've always been sad.  
Anything else you saw, or thought you saw, was an act.

I'm a damn good liar. I always have been. You just never noticed.  
I pretended. I lied. I faked my way through everything.  
The point is, it's all over now.

I'm finally, fucking, free.'

He drank and popped a few more as he wrote. Nearing the end of the writing as his head grew fuzzier.

'My name is Nagato Uzumaki.  
Finally, I am.  
Free.'

And with that, he closed his note book, stuffed it back in his bag, and grabbed his can. He had more walking to do.  
He didn't feel anything else, not really. But he kept drinking, he kept popping pills, he could tell he was running out of them.  
A smile graced his lips as he tossed his empty can and the empty bottle into the nearby trash can. He wasn't sure quite where he was, but it didn't matter, did it? He dream, he long..., awaited dream, was finally about to be realized.

He rooted in his pocket for the last bottle. He dug another can out, having plenty left still, and opened it. Breathing in it's wonderful scent. With a smile still, he popped another handful and took a long drink.  
He was still smiling when seconds later, his body gave out and he fell to the ground. It was dark by then, no one was around.  
Purple eyes fell closed one last time...


End file.
